Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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