i already hear my dad disowning me
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Hippo gnu deer
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
