I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
