I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
