so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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