I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
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