As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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