my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
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