If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
