I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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