Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
