I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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