you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
