I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
