She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
