So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
