That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
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