I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
