if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
