You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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