Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
