your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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