sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
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