This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
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She even gives head with a lisp.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
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I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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