My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
