Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
