The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
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