every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
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