We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
