made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
