rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
