I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
