I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
