I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
