I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
