Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
