oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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