god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize