He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
