there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
