i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
