I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
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I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
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It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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