i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Randomize
