He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
