I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
