Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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