fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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