member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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