i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
