Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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