my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
