I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
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So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
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and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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