george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
My dad just said "fuck circus"
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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