found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
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