3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
