Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Do you have feelings for this penis?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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