I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
