how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
