he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I can't put those talents on a resume
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
